Classes: SimuSwim

Instructed by John Scott

SimuSwim, the Newest Fad in Fitness!

(Not a real class!)
john scott
"Fitness Guru, Tom Jones, developed SimuSwim™. Tom Jones loved the forearm burn of the Dog Paddle, the cardio intensity of the Breaststroke, and the thigh punishing pain of the Fast Foot Flutter. Always ahead of his time, Tom Jones listened to Bette Midler albums before it was campy and was touting the benefits of bobbing for apples years before it was cool. Tom Jones knew the incredible mental, spiritual, and physical benefits of training under and at the surface of water."
~ John Scott
"It's a beautiful spring morning on the beach, and you're ready to hit the cool ocean water for your daily constitutional.

Mmmm ... the soothing waves lap your skin like happy little Labradors while you breaststroke out to sea. Gulls circle above as they chirple you a happy water workout. Life couldn't be better ... but then ... the seagulls' mood darkens ... happy chirples turn to menacing "Caws of Furry!"

Big Marg lacerates your spleen, your intestines spill out like earth worms from a torn plastic bag.


Suddenly in rapid succession, they dive bomb! "Rata tata tat tat!" Like beaked bullets falling from a machine-gun sky, they pierce your flesh. It's a blood bath at sea as the gulls feed. Soon sharks appear. These aren't happy little stuffed animal sharks either. With the one remaining eye not yet plucked from its socket, you see these are Great Whites also known as "Great Squared Sharks." They swarm and circle, infuriated by your bloody scent and the little pieces of meat dropped by the milling gulls. As a 30-foot man killer the sailors call Big Marg lacerates your spleen, your intestines spill out like earthworms from a torn plastic bag. Back on the beach the sickle-handed reaper walks calmly waiting to harvest your soul.

Swimming? Swimming in water? Don't you think there's a better way? Would you like to get an aquatic workout, but you just don't want all the water? How would you like to get the same great benefits of aquatic exercise while staying safe and dry right here on good old terra firma? Well, now you can.

"Tom Jones, inventor of SimuSwim, holding Missy the Man Dog above the waves in the SimuSwim practice class. The simulated water was so realistic that Missy started high stepping and Tom, a friend to Missy the Man Dog, helped him well above the waves."
~ John Scott

Georgia O'Keeffe mono-print embossed stretch pants at no extra charge!

"Swimming without water never felt so good... and healthy!"

"Once you've SimuSwum you'll be SimuSwimming again and again!"



Fitness Guru, Tom Jones, developed SimuSwim™. Tom Jones loved the forearm burn of the Dog Paddle, the cardio intensity of the Breaststroke, and the thigh punishing pain of the Fast Foot Flutter. Always ahead of his time, Tom Jones listened to Bette Midler albums before it was campy and was touting the benefits of bobbing for apples years before The American College of Sports and Health published its report. Tom Jones knew the incredible mental, spiritual, and physical benefits of training under and at the surface of water . . . but Tom Jones did not have a pool, and he did not live by the sea. He did have a summer place by the lake . . . but lake water is nasty.

Then it occurred to him. "Was water really the important element in swimming?" Tom drank water almost everyday and he never worked up a sweat sipping iced tea even when he used a straw. No . . . water wasn't the important thing. Tom continued musing. "Was it the bathing suit?" No . . . Tom had worn his bathing trunks under his trousers when he had run out of clean underwear. He hadn't burned any extra calories. Like a bitch-slap from an angry neighbor, it struck him . . . I don't need water to swim! I just need to swim and swim where I am!

"Swim where I (he) am?" You betcha! In the next few weeks Tom Jones gave humanity the greatest fitness enlightenment since seated calf raises. He called his creation, "We Don't Need No Stinking Water! Aerobics." It was a complete failure. Tom Jones lost everything. His Japanese equity partners took his home, his cat, and his ideas. Tom Jones has not been seen in 16 years. But thanks to a new name, sexy instructional videos, and a product endorsement from Mothers Against Dying While Underwater Swimming (MADWUS), Tom's amazing vision has reached the world.

Your instructor will help you visualize the waves, the fish, the seaweed, and the salty spray of open-sea swimming. We pay a guy to dress up like a filthy pirate and say, "Argh!" after each exercise. That is zaniness you won't find in step class. You won't need a lifeguard, but you might want to keep an eye on your fellow SimuSwimmers. Can you say, "How did you get to look so good because I saw you last summer before you started taking SimuSwim and you had hail damage on your ankles and buck teeth but now you are Freakin Hot!?"? You will when you take SimuSwim. Bring your tanning butter and leave your fear of drowning and shark attacks at the beach.

Watch for our new line of SimuSwimwear and don't forget to pick up your Fitness Suppository™ at Scott Fitness!

Sign up NOW because the first 11 people will receive a pair of Georgia O'Keeffe mono-print embossed stretch pants at no extra charge! Show your appreciation of art and fluid dynamics in evolutionary anatomy while sweating your way to even greater fitness.

Yes ... we do, in fact, Rock."

~ John Scott