Seriously, Serious About Fitness

My sincerest apologizes,
John Scott

~ Kels.

Fitness Inside You!

"We don't just provide a special place for you to workout ... we put the workout in your special place."

What if I told you that you could take a pill to improve your level of fitness? You'd say, "John, that's completely outlandish. You must be crazy if you expect me to believe that by just taking a pill I could improve my level of fitness." And of course you'd be right. No pill is going to make you more fit. No mere pill is going to raise your metabolism, tone your muscles and give you the healthy body you so desire. Only hard work and devotion to exercise can do that... hard work, devotion OR... our newest invention, The Fitness Suppository.

So now... what if I told you that you could improve your level of fitness by using a suppository? You'd say, "Hey... now that's a good idea! Where do I buy and how soon can I get my "hands" on one?!" Or you'd say something similar to that... and you'd be right again.

The Fitness Suppository is the latest product of Fitness Scientists, Inc. These are the same scientists who invented Exercise Chewing Gum, Axe Aerobics and the Salad Oven... all tried and true products that have stood the test of time. Though Tom Jones actually invented SimuSwim, it was Fitness Scientists, Inc. who did the extensive scientific research and testing that validated swimming on land.

An interview with Dr. Chive Cutter, Fitness Scientist, Inc., Team Leader of The Fitness Suppository development project. Interviewed Dec. 27th, 2005 by John Scott of Scott Fitness, Inc. Dr. Cutter: Is this thing on?

John Scott: Yes... isn't that the smallest recorder you've ever seen?

Dr. Cutter: Is that really a recorder? A voice recorder? It looks like a bug.

John Scott: Well that is a bug actually... sorry... just a minute... I'll take this little devil outside. I think it's a silver fish. I don't know how those things get in here but I don't want to kill them. I mean... if I was on a planet with 500 feet tall silver fish running around... I'd hope they wouldn't just see a little human and say "squish!"

Dr. Cutter: It's freezing outside though. I don't think it will survive long outside. Maybe you should just put it out of it's misery.

John Scott: Well... it is cold outside but it's supposed to warm up later. I'll put it in the sun... I'm sure it will be fine. And just because silver fish look ugly to us, that doesn't mean they are miserable. Ugly people aren't in misery.

Dr. Cutter: I'll wait here 'til you get back from putting that happy little silver fish outside then.

John Scott: .....

John Scott: Okay... sorry. I don't really believe in Karma and stuff but it can't hurt to be kind.

Dr. Cutter: God surely put a mark on the good side of your Karma score card.

John Scott: So anyway...

Dr. Cutter: Is THIS the microphone? It looks like a...

John Scott: I know... I know... it looks kind of phalyx but it was on sale at the Adult Novelty Shop. It's too small to be anything other than a microphone.

Dr. Cutter: Was that a sideways boost?

John Scott: Okay... Let's talk about your new and exciting product... The newest in a long line of fantastic health and wellness related inventions from you and your fellow researchers at Fitness Scientists, Inc.

Dr. Cutter: John, I'm so happy to have the opportunity to talk with you today about our latest invention. Historically, exercise facilities have had tremendous difficulty tracking their members attendance and making sure non-members aren't just sneaking in without paying. Health clubs typically have to keep their front desks staffed and require members to carry identification cards that the front desk staff either look at or swipe to verify people's memberships and current status. But these cards are often forgotten, they can be shared, they can be lost and stolen. Membership cards were fine and functional but the fitness industry had always dreamed of what had been known as the Golden Card. The Golden Card would be a card that the person didn't have to carry, that couldn't be stolen, forged or lost. The Golden Card would be something that would always be with the member....

John Scott: But....

Dr. Cutter: Attempts were made to come up with this Golden Card. One gym in Minnesota tried inserting radioactive dimes in the shins of their members. Each dime was treated with a unique radioactive isotope that released radiation at a unique and specific rate. When the member stepped in front of an X-ray photo plate, the front desk staff could get a temporal energy release readout that linked to that members file number. The numbered file was pulled from the records drawer and the members picture was compared to the picture in the file. The obvious flaw with this system was that the photo in the file could be switched. Air port security also presented a problem. Fortunately not many people use planes or travel. In any case, the radioactive dime shine implant was not the Golden Card and it isn't used much any more. There had to be a better solution and we at Fitness Scientist, Inc. have found it. The Golden Card and the answer to gym entry systems was to be found in the up and coming field of biometrics. Unfortunately most of the obvious biometric indices had been taken and were protected by patents... the iris, finger print, palm, foot, eye brow, teeth scanners...

John Scott: But....

Dr. Cutter: No.. there's even a Butt Scanner... though you're close. It seemed all the good biometric scanners had already been invented until, on a bike riding trip in the High Lands of Scottland, I had an epiphany. This vision and shocking realization distracted me from my bike riding and I was only sturred from my scientific revilry when my kilt caught in the bike chain and I crashed into a flock of sheep.

John Scott: That's quite a yarn your spinning but...

Dr. Cutter: Punny punny... I could have been killed but the unshorn sheep broke my fall. Sheep wool is very soft... I had no idea... Any way... I adjusted my kilt and screamed out loud over the bleating flock, "Taint Scanner!" Yes... that was to be the Golden Card that gyms all around the world would use to discern member from non-member, no pun intended. There were no perineum biometric systems. I could have kicked myself for screaming this precious and financially valuable idea out loud but I couldn't contain myself. The Taint Scanner would revolutionize the fitness industry, indeed any business that required controlled entry and absolutely certainty of security. From my college anatomy and physiology classes I remembered that, like finger prints, the perineum, "taint" in the common vernacular, was unique in every individual. I hurried back to my research lab at....

John Scott: Hold on! Hold on a second... um... that's really amazing... bizarre but amazing. I was actually hoping to talk to you about Fitness Scientist, Inc.'s other newest invention... The Fitness Suppository.

Dr. Cutter: Oh. Sorry. Well yes, the um... Fitness Suppository is really great too. Actually I'm not the one who invented that though I did do some of the initial size and shape testing.

John Scott: So tell us about The Fitness Suppository. How does it work? Give us all the nerdy scientific details... don't hold anything back. Our readers can take it.

Dr. Cutter: Well... basically there were lots of "fitness and wellness pills" on the market. Again, all of them patented. We were looking for a marketable quick fix, the next big ergogenic aide... but we couldn't find anything new in the way of powders, pills and transdermals. Everything had already been invented, marketed and ridden the short-lived popularity curve of use. I think one of our "think tank" guys actually came up with the idea after returning from a cheese tasting trip to Germany. Those "think tank" guys aren't like the rest of us. We like to say, "Give a think tank guy a lemon and he's liable to give you back a lemming." Meaning that they have special powers of transubstantiation and they are very creative. They wear those crazy 80's fish ties and stuff... they're just wacky.. but wacky in a good way.

John Scott: Wow.. that is really amazing. So I've actually brought a variety of Fitness Suppositories into the gym today. You guys obviously had a variety of users in mind when you developed this line. I love the dumbbell shapes and ridged variety. There's something for everyone... all ranges of size, color...

Dr. Cutter: And flavor.

John Scott: oh... and flavor... I did not know that. Um... why would... ?

Dr. Cutter: We found the ridges helped with placement and position. With suppositories, there's really no "one size, or shape, fits all."

John Scott: And the Fitness Lozenge... I really love those too.

Dr. Cutter: Those aren't lozenges.

John Scott: Oh... well that would explain the Thrush. Humm...

Dr. Cutter: Perhaps.

John Scott: Man cannot live on bread alone and who doesn't like a little variety... especially when it comes to suppositories and... stuff.

Dr. Cutter: Now I don't recall us developing any that big... are you sure that's from our company? We had a useful phrase in the Research and Development Laboratory, "When it gets that big, it's no longer a suppository."

John Scott: Oh.. yea... well I'm not sure what that is or how it got out of my sock drawer... but...

Dr. Cutter: When fitting a person for a Fitness Suppository we look at the heels. We don't want the person walking around completely pigeon toed but a little in-turning of the feet means its working. We actual have some marketing material that just showed pictures of peoples feet from behind .. "Before" with the toes pointing straight ahead and "After" with the toes pigeoning in slightly.

John Scott: I can't say enough good stuff about the improvement in my fitness level since using the Fitness Suppository. It's like the fitness just melts into you. At first I was like... "Where did it go?" and I thought it was just some scam... but then I realized that the Fitness wasn't gone... it had gone into me and that's a good feeling.

Dr. Cutter: Well some people like them better than others. I'm still prefer protein smoothies but...

John Scott: Do you use a funnel? I mean how do you keep it inside? Oh... you mean to Drink! Sure... I got ya. Me too. I like smoothies too. Well thank you so much for your candor and your suppository. What a wonderful gift you've bestowed on the fitness industry... the entire world really.

Dr. Cutter: Developing The Fitness Suppository has been my very special pleasure. Thank you.